Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
