I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
