I want to have your abortion
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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