The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
