I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
