Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
