if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
did i just pee glitter
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
