she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
