i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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