Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
