Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
