remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
