i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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