Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
