then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
