Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
