260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
