i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize