She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
