I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
