I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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