Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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