Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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