I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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