Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
