fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
nutella sex= disaster
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
