Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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