the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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