well you can't waste a boner
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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