is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
