I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
