Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
