plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
