hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
