it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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