Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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