Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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