peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize