you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
