She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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