3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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