Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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