I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
