Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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