"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
