Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
