The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
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