So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize