he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
