is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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