i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I am midnight drunk by noon
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
