That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
