GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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