my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
