apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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