hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
