But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
