You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
