i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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