gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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