Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
