someone get that fucking seahorse.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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