TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
